My Father Isshin
by Zsugami Alba
Summary: Harry grew up in the Kurosaki household. How will Snape react to meeting Isshin Kurosaki? How will Magical Britain? Adopted from 9foxgrl.
1. Meeting Haru

**Copy-pasted from 9foxgrl**

Severus Snape was not sure how he was dragged into this. He had been assigned to escort Harry Potter from his adopted family in Karakura Town, Japan to get his supplies. The boy had been abandoned by the Durselys as a toddler in Japan and many thought he was lost forever until his name appeared on the acceptance list for Hogwarts.

As for why Severus had been chosen for the assignment, not many people knew that Severus' apprenticeship had been in Japan, so the man could speak the native tongue quite well making him the obvious choice.

Karakura was a nice town. Small and quiet with a few local delinquents who were apparent whipped by a 'Strawberry' a great deal. Severus was not going to even comment on that remark. He soon came to the Kurosaki residence, it was a nice home with a clinic attached to it.

'_Maybe the boy won't be a delinquent after all.' _Severus hoped as he rang the doorbell.

Harry had been the one who opened the door and politely bowed to the man. "Hello, are you Professor Snape?"

"Yes young man, you must be Harry."

Harry nodded. "Hai, but that is my old name. The Kurosaki renamed me Haruyuki, but you can call me Haru. Would you like to come in sir?"

"No thank you. We better just get a move on to get your supplies."

"I understand sir." Haru said with a nod then turned to a orange hair teen sitting in the kitchen. "Ichigo, are you ready to go?"

"Coming." the teen replied.

"Aren't you're parents coming?"

Harry smile faded. "Ah, our mother passed away a few years ago and as for dad… he is …busy in the clinic at the moment. My big brother Ichigo is going to come with us."

Ichigo nodded as he stepped out the door. "Trust me, you don't want the billy goat to come with us."

"Why?"

"Trust us, its better this way!" the two said in unison as they followed Severus to the portkey point.

"WWWAAAITTTT! HAAAAARRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU U!"

The pales at the bellow.

"Oh no." Haru gasped.

"But he had appointments!"Ichigo gulped.

Isshin ran up and hugged Haru in a death grip while glaring at Ichigo.

"Protect you little brother Ichigo or don't bother coming home tonight!"

"Dad…"

"HE IS NOT A DELIQUENT LIKE YOU!"

"Dad…"

"And further more-"

"GET OFF!" Haru yelled using a judo toss to get the man off him. "DON'T YOU HAVE PATIENTS OR SOMETHING?"

Isshin landed and brushed it off like nothing happened.

Isshin nodded. "But they can wait! This is far more important! My more innocent son is going to a strange new world with out his father! You're going to trend into the unknown dangers of a country you don't know about-"

"WE'RE JUST GOING TO GET HIS SUPPLIES! NOT SEND HIM INTO THE ARMY!" Ichigo yelled.

"Just remember to not tarnish our name-"

"You've already done that." Haru muttered. "You've set the standard pretty high."

"Not to mention we dare not act like you." Ichigo snapped.

"Dad! You have patients waiting remember!" Haru scolded.

Isshin pouted. "I wanted to go too…"

"DAD! PATIENTS!" the boys scolded as they both grabbed Isshin's arms and threw him into the door of the clinic.

"Fine! Come back safe or I'll shave my beard!" Isshin hollered. "AND DON'T BE LATE FOR DINNERTIME!"

Through the entire interaction Severus was silently thanking any listening deities that Harry, no Haru, was nothing like his father(s).

_**A/N: Please review.**_


	2. Don't Mock the Dead

**Copy-pasted from 9foxgrl**

"You will meet the same end as your parents Potter!"

WHAM! Draco fell on the floor as Haru's fist shot out lightning fast and broke the pureblood's nose. His companions Crabbe and Goyle were staring at Haru in awe. Ron was behind Haru looking eager to punch the boy himself and Hermione who had just joined them was mortified.

"Okay, Draco listening very carefully. One; my name is Haruyuki KUROSAKI not Potter! Second, never mock the dead. It's bad karma! And third, this will be the only time I fix you up for doing something so stupid!" Haru said taking out his wand and pointing it at Draco's broken nose. "_Episkey_!"

"You shouldn't have done that!" Hermione chastised as she crouched to wipe the blood off of Draco's face with a handkerchief.

"Get away from me Mudblood!"

Haru twitched. "Do I need to punch you again? I have a VERY low tolerance for bullies. Just let her help you idiot."

Draco froze and let Hermione wipe the blood off, not wanting to get punched again.

Haru sat down for a minute then twitched as he noticed Scabbers for the first time on the trip. He growled and grabbed Ron's rat. "I SEE YOUR SOUL YOU MORON! NOW CHANGED BACK OR I WILL THROW YOU OUT THE WINDOW!"

The others looked at Haru like he was insane until the rat changed into a man and was violently shoved down into a pin by Haru.

"Can someone get an adult?" Haru asked calmly as he shoved his wand into the man's neck. Hermione promptly ran off to the Prefect carriage.

"He's an Animagus…" Draco said breathlessly as he held out his own wand at the man.

"Scabbers…you…all this time…How did you know Haru?"

Haru smirked. "My family has the ability to see spirits. Even if you change your shape we can tell a human soul from an animal quite easily."

"Harry…" the man squeaked. "Let me explain-"

"My name is Haru you dolt. Now shut up before I let Minori bite you!"

"Whose Minori?" Ron asked. He jumped as a hiss came from Haru's satchel. '

"My cat." Haru replied as an exotic short hair kitten poked it's head out of the satchel. While it looked small it's eyes were fierce. "I wanted to bring my albino cobra Tatsuo but Professor Snape said it wasn't allowed."

"YOU OWN A SNAKE?"

Later…

"Hey, we got a letter from Haru!" Yuzu called out as she took the letter from a tired barn owl who gratefully accepted the food and water she offered it.

**Dear Ichigo, Yuzu, Karin, and of course Dad,**

**The ride to Hogwarts was eventful. Met a bunch of interesting people on the train. A priss name Draco who acts a lot like that Ishida guy from Ichigo's class with two boulders for bodyguards named Crabbe and Goyle. They are kind of like Chad, but not as nice. Also a book smart girl named Hermione who is 'almost' like Orhime and a chess lover named Ron. **

**Oh yeah, on the train I found a man hiding in the form of a rat. You were right Ichigo, a human soul can't hide well in animal form. I used the same trick you used on that cat lady McGonagall at Gringotts. Turns out the rat man framed another guy for murder and sold out my birthparents to the psycho that killed him. He got arrested when we arrived at the train station. **

**On a lighter note, I got sorted into Gryffindor, the House of Bravery. So much for your theory on my being a bookworm eh Karin? **

**Karin, I hope your team can win without me as an offensive player. Yuzu, thanks for packing the cookies in my trunk! Ichigo, stay out of fights. And Dad, don't bug Ichigo. **

**p.s. please remember to feed Tatsuo! And don't worry, I told him not to bit anyone while I'm gone…although he might bite Dad if he overturns his terrarium again. **

**Love you all!**

**Ja Ne!**

**Haruyuki Kurosaki**


	3. Secrets of the Past

**Copy-pasted from 9foxgrl**

Minerva McGonagall was puzzled by the enigma that was Haruyuki Kurosaki, aka Harry Potter.

First off, Haru had disappeared from England at the age of three and then reappeared in Japan.

He was a calm and quiet child and yet while riled or caught off guard he quickly went on the defense. Something Ronald Weasely found out the hard way when he tried to wake Haru on the first morning only to be kicked upside the head. Haru's cat had apparently hissed a warning to the redhead, but it went unnoticed.

Another mystery, on the train the boy had found a supposedly dead man hiding in the form of a rat by seeing his soul. A skill he claimed belonged in the Kurosaki family. At least amongst his siblings.

Another thing that stumped her, and also worried her. One of her Lions, Hermione Granger, mentioned when they had to cross the lake in the boats he was petrified in fear at the sight of the water. In fact he refused to open his eyes until they had crossed the lake. He also disliked taking the open passage way that overlooked the lake. Why had he been so terrified of the water? She had asked him but he refused to comment.

With a sigh she took out a sheet of parchment and wrote a letter to a person she hoped could give her an answer.

_**Dear Isshin Kurosaki,**_

_**My name is Minerva McGonagall, I am the Head of House that your son Haruyuki resides in. Forgive me if I am being too nosy, but I would like to ask if you knew why he had froze at the sight of the lake he had to cross at the beginning of the term. He also seems to pale at the sight of the lake every time he walks down the corridor adjacent to it. **_

_**Sincerely,**_

_**Minerva McGonagall. **_

_**Hogwarts Deputy Headmistress **_

She sent off the letter and two days letter received a reply while in the staff room. The answer was not was she expected. She broke down crying after she read the letter. Severus took the letter and choked as he read it aloud while Pomona tried to sooth Minerva.

"_**Dear Minerva,**_

_**Thank you for bringing the concern to my attention. Haru had not mentioned this to me about 'crossing a lake' in his letters. I'm afraid the fear stems from a traumatic experience before he came into our family. **_

_**On July 31, 1984 my late wife Masaki came running into our clinic during a downpour holding Haru in her arms, begging me to save his life. Both of them were completely drenched, Haru was barely conscious. **_

_**According to Maskai, he had been tied to the bottom of a bridge near the riverbank by someone in the morning before the storm had started and left there to die. The river had overflowed in the heavy rain and had nearly drowned him. Masaki had managed to untie Haru but the current dragged them quarter of a mile down stream before she managed to swim them to shore and climbed out of the water. **_

_**Were it not for the assistance of some colleagues of mine, Haru would have died that night. Regrettably due to this he had a fear of water. Until two years ago he would have panic attacks every time it rained hard. He should be okay as long as he works on his fear. **_

_**I apologize for not letting you know this sooner. Please tell me if there is anything else you need to know. **_

_**Sincerely, **_

_**Isshin"**_


	4. Halloween, Flying, Christmas

**Copy-pasted from 9foxgrl**

**Some Drabbles from over Haru's First Year**

_**Halloween**_

Haru was smiling as he finished his potions homework. He had found that finishing the assignment early was the best course of action in this school. Especially since he was going to cram school in the summer to prevent him from missing out on a normal education. Since Ichigo was a year older then him he had Ichigo's books as well so he could keep up with his fellow classmates.

While Haru was far from home he felt a little piece at Hogwarts. He tended to slip back into Japanese every time he became vexed, luckily only Snape understood him. Luckily the man never set him out for making snaky remarks.

True to the Kurosaki philosophy Haru had made allies of Draco Malfoy and Ron, as well as Hermione and a few others in their year. He gained a lot of respect from the houses after he successfully punched Peeves.

Flashback

Haru was mincing the roots for his potion while Draco stirred when he felt something hit his head. He fell to floor. A loud cackling was coming from above him.

"PEEVES!"

Haru growled and stood up quickly.

"_Get lost you damn pest!" _he bellowed as he slugged the poltergeist straight in the jaw. The trickster flew out of the classroom and into a suit of armor with a loud crash.

"_Do that again and I will kick you!"_

The Slytherins and Gryffindors were astonished at this act. He had hurt a ghost! Finally someone broke the silence.

"Thirty points for getting rid of that pest."

End flashback

Haru was now heading back to the dorm from the library, he had left the Halloween feast early in order to work on his assignments. He was about to pass the third floor when he was hit by a putrid smell. He looked up and saw a very ugly creature looking at him like he was a buffet.

"Kuso." Haru said weakly.

Down the hall the teachers were trying to locate the troll. Snape was about to open the door to the forbidden corridor to ensure it was secure when he heard a scream.

"_KUROSAKI HOME RUN!"_

He flinched as he heard a loud crack and saw the massive troll go flying past him and into a wall. He secured the door before Fluffy could bite him and looked down the hall. On one end was a troll that looked like it was hit by a semi truck, on the other was Haru with what he assumed was the troll's club hovering above him and his wand being held like a baseball bat.

The staff arrived quickly as Snape bound the troll.

"What happened?"

"Kurosaki knocked out the troll."

"I had to! It ate my potions homework" Haru exclaimed.

_**Quidditch**_

Haru had no idea how he was wrangled into this. Sure he liked flying but to play for the Gryffindor team? To his happiness his siblings were out for a workday and came to the match. It seemed that the family's ability to see ghosts had them on a level above squib so they could come to Hogwarts.

When Isshin got word that Haru had taken on a troll he immediately wrote to him screaming in a very dramatic Howler that he was turning into a delinquent like his brother. The Howler ended with Ichigo screaming at Isshin of course. Luckily the entire thing was in Japanese so once again only Snape knew what it was about.

And possibly Hermione and some of the Ravenclaws who were studying Japanese as a way to have conversation with the elusive boy.

So now here he was, riding a broom acting like a bucking bronco. Haru was clinging on for dear like as the darn thing tried to fling him off.

"Kuso!" Haru screamed. Down bellow his sisters were screaming for him and Ichigo looked ready to panic. As the broom lurched sending Haru over it the Kurosakis all jumped out their seats, knocking Quirrell over. Haru used his dexterity to snag onto the broom and hurtle down where he nearly choked on the snitch.

"_Don't say anything." _Haru coughed.

"Anything." Karin laughed.

_**Christmas**_

Haru was so happy to be home. There was only so long a person could go with out missing a home cooked meal. Or in his case; onigiri, soba noodles, and Yuzu's special spicy curry. Sure he liked British food, but nothing beat homemade nabe on a cold Winter day. It was worth having to endure Isshin's version of the 'Nabe King'

He was surprised to find gifts on Christmas morning from his friends. Apparently his friends found out from his sisters that Haru was a closet bookworm (_his bedroom literally was a miniature library_) and sent him appropriating gifts. Draco had sent him a book on British Wizard Customs, Ron sent a book on Quidditch, Hermione's was a book on Muggle medicine. To his shock he also had gifts from Crabbe and Goyle since he started to teaching them and the Weasely Twins the basics of karate.

He still laughed when he told them the truth about Professor Snape. He had overheard the man tell Ichigo that he had to take martial arts lessons and master a weapon as part of his Apprenticeship in Japan.

In Kung Fu.

They didn't believe him until Haru presented the man with a pair of nun chucks when he returned from the Winter Holidays which he handled with practiced ease. This seemed to increase the student body's respect level for the man. Even more so when he smashed a cement brick with his bare fist.

Apparently it was a stress reliever.

_**The Stone**_

Haru was glaring at Quirrell. _"I knew there was something wrong with you. It's always the one you least expect."_

_To be continued…_


	5. Quirrel, Grounded

**Copy-pasted from 9foxgrl**

**Escaping from Voldemort**

Haru eyed Quirrel uneasily. He had been bound to a pillar in the room. He was also feeling a malignant spirit nearby. Like the one he once felt when he was playing baseball with Karin. It was driving him on edge.

"I see the stone, I see my self presenting it to my master…but how do I get it?"

"_Use the boy." _an eerie voice called out.

"POTTER! COME HERE!"

Haru blinked.

"POTTER!"

Haru smirked cheekily. "I'm not a Potter, and even if I was, how would I be able to come over to you? Unless you're are blind and have problems with your short term memory, I'm a bit tied up."

Haru gestured to the ropes that Quirrel had conjured. "See?"

"Stupid boy!" Quirrel said as released the spell.

Big mistake.

Ass soon as the ropes were gone Haru swept out his feet then used a judo toss to send him hurtling into the mirror that was in the room. Haru winced as he felt a burning sensation coming fro touching the man. Without missing a step he sprinted out of the room, not noticing the blood red stone now in his jacket pocket.

Haru kept on running, pausing only to wake up the troll and send it flying towards Quirrel. When he arrived in the chess room he found Dumbledore helping Ron and Hermione.

"I think I pissed him off!" Haru gasped before collapsing.

Two days later….

"GGOOOOODDD MOOOORRRNNNINNNNGGGG HARRRRUUUUUU!"

CRASH!

Madam Pomfrey and McGonagall stood at the Hospital Wing door shell shocked. One minute Isshin was about to jump onto Haru to wake him up, and the next the man was violently tossed across the room.

"YOU BASTARD! I TOLD YOU NOT ATTACK PEOPLE WHEN THEY ARE SLEEPING!" Haru demanded as he stood on the edge of his bed.

"It's nice to see you up about my son! Staying out of trouble I hope."

"Unless you count trespassing into a forbidden corridor, taken on a strangling plant, a Cerberus, a large chess set, taking on an evil wizard, and walking through fire. Oh yes he's stayed out of trouble."

Isshin looked at his youngest son in shock. "YOU…DID WHAT?"

Haru tilted his head sideways. "You're upset?"

"You bet I am! You're grounded Haruyuki!"

Haru raised a brow. "I think I hit you too hard. You're making sense."

End of Year One

**Whew, done. That's a lot of copy-pasting.**


	6. Quality Time

**Alright, I have successfully adopted **_**My Father Isshin**_** from 9foxgrl. I will try my best with this. I **_**will**_** live up to your expectations! Okay, here it goes.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Bleach. Neither do I own the original idea for this fic, but from now on I will own the stuff I add onto it.**

"English"

_"Japanese"_

_'Thoughts'_

* * *

Chapter 6: Quality Time

Back in Japan, Isshin laid down the ground rules for Haru's, well, grounding. "Your summer activities will go completely undisturbed. In fact, you'll never even notice you've been grounded at all. Instead, you get quality time with your dear, old dad!"

The rest of the Kurosaki family looked at him in utter shock, jaws dropped to the floor.

"It's obvious that these crazy stunts were a desperate cry for attention. Well, you'll get all the attention you need, son!" Isshin sobbed, as he reached for Haru.

Haru then began to back away with his arms out in front of him in an attempt to block his father's exuberant display of affection. "It wasn't a cry for attention! I was trying to stop a madman from gaining immortality! You really don't have to follow me anywhere. Really. Why don't you just ban me from video games, or make me do all the chores? I could…re-shingle the roof! Or…or…alphabetize your outdated wardrobe."

Of course, Karin had to add in her two cents. "I think it's a great idea. Maybe you could sign up for that father and son baseball league."

"Karin, don't be so mean," Yuzu chided.

"C'mon, Yuzu. The more time he spends with Haru, the less time he has to bother us."

Haru turned a nasty look on his sister. "Traitor!" He turned to Ichigo and pleaded, "Aren't you going to help me?"

Ichigo rubbed the back of his neck, shrugged, and said, "Karin has a point."

Haru stopped struggling in his father's tight embrace. He stared emotionlessly at his siblings and flatly stated, "You are all dead to me."

"You don't need them, son. You have me. Oh, we'll have so much fun together. I know! Let's get matching outfits!"

Karin snickered and said, "I think the t-shirts should say, 'I'm with stupid'."


	7. Get Your Foot Out of My Miso

**This is weird. I have followers. Do followers count as minions? Anyway…to answer the questions that I've been getting:**

**The reason I started out with chapter 6 instead of republishing chapters 1-5 is because I really don't feel like copying/pasting everything that 9foxgrl wrote. **_**Maybe I'll change my mind later if my mother will stop typing things I'm not saying. Good help is so hard to find. I am paying her in chocolate.**_** No, I didn't say that! I am not paying you in chocolate! Get your own!**

**Ahem. Where was I? Ah yes. I am indeed dictating this. I type really slow because I peck and find, so it's much faster when my mom does it. **_**Plus, I get to read everything ahead of everybody else.**_** Will you stop that?! The best thing is she can beta it while I'm dictating. So everything works out. This is me giving her credit for the…beta-ing. The words are all mine, though, and she gives me great ideas.**

**So on with the story! **_**I still think you should get off – no, ON your lazy butt and copy/paste the first five chapters. **_** Keep typing, or you'll never see your monkey pillow again, Mother Dear. **_**NO! Not my monkey!**_

Chapter 7: Get your foot out of my miso!

Haru was tired, worn out, and humiliated. He had spent the entire day with his oh so loving father. He had been forced to wear the red, custom-made t-shirt proclaiming his love for his dad – complete with photo of said dad crushing the life out of him. Isshin wore the corresponding shirt. Only, his was yellow. Haru stared glumly into his bowl of miso as his father regaled the rest of the family with dinnertime stories of their day.

"Haru chose chocolate, but I opted to be more adventurous and got the strawberry and red bean paste with candied green bean topping. That girl, Orihime, was so nice. I tried to get Haru to taste some of mine, but he said something about it being an insult to the wonders of ice cream, or something." Isshin turned to Haru at this point and asked, "What did you mean by that? It was perfectly good ice cream."

Haru unfortunately remembered the incident. He had tried to pretend that he did not know this man at all, but that didn't really work when he was wearing his father's face on his t-shirt. Isshin had done everything humanly possible to humiliate his son, even trying to hold Haru's hand while they crossed busy streets. It was going to be a very long summer, but at least today was over. All he had to do was get through din –

CRACK! Splash!

'Is it just me, or did some sort of wrinkled creature wearing a pillowcase just appear in my miso?'

Karin interrupted Haru's thoughts. "Is it just me, or is there a wrinkled creature wearing a pillowcase in the middle of the table?"

Okay, so it wasn't just Haru.

The creature started frantically mopping up the spilled soup with the edge of its pillowcase. "Dobby is so terribly sorry, HarryPotterSir! Dobby is not meaning to land in HarryPotterSir's soup! Dobby will iron his fingers for it later!"

Yuzu rushed up with a dishcloth and started dabbing at both creature and mess. "It's all right. It was an accident," she said soothingly. I'll help you clean up, and then everything will be all right. We'll get you some clean clothes, too."

The creature froze mid-dab. "Oh no, miss! Dobby could never do that. Dobby is a house elf, tis Dobby's duty!"

**(A.N. I'll take over from here mother, you're still recovering from the pestilence. **_**Chough Chough Sneeze Thanks. : ( **_**) **

"No, it's fine." Yuzu assured, "I can do it, you can just relax and explain everything once you've calmed down a bit."

After much cleaning up, many broken lamps, and Yuzu calming the creature, now known as Dobby, the house elf finally began to explain.

"HarryPotterSir-"

"My name is Haruyuki Kurosaki." Haru corrected.

"HaruyukiKurosakiSir must _not _go back to Hogwarts, tis to dangerous!"

"Oh, my darling son! Ho-"

"SHUT UP!" Haru snapped, delivering a flying kick to his father's face. Fortunately it knocked him out and Haru turned back to Dobby. "Explain."

**Whew, Chapter 7 is done! Now I'll take my mom's oh so helpful advice and copy-past the first five chapters, even though it feels like plagiarism. Type at ya later!**


	8. In which we first encounter The Guitar

**Minions! I now give you your next chapter!**

**Look, I know it's late, and I am sorry. I can offer no excuse because if I did, it would sound like I was trying to come up with…excuses. So to appease your wrath, Hermione Granger shall now present you with the disclaimer.**

**Enter Hermione.**

"**Now, as you all know, J.K. Rowling introduced the world to Harry Potter in 1997. The original name of the first book was **_**Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone**_**, and – what? What are you waving your hands at me for? Oh, keep it short. Right. Ahem. Zsugami Alba does not own, nor will she ever own **_**Harry Potter**_** or **_**Bleach**_**. She doesn't even know how to use bleach, so it's probably best that she doesn't own any, don't you think? What now? Oh, it's a manga. I knew that."**

"English"

_"Japanese"_

_'Thoughts'_

Chapter Eight: In which we first encounter The Guitar.

Haru sighed as he flopped onto his bed, not even bothering to pull back the covers. "Never again," he mumbled into his pillow. "That had to be the worst father/son experience yet."

It had taken a lot of convincing to get his father to believe the elf had just come for Haru's autograph. In reality, the elf's message had been a lot more serious. Something bad was happening at Hogwarts. The elf wouldn't tell him what, but it had to be pretty serious if it was worth warning him. Not even Yuzu's coaxing could calm the elf down enough to get the details. Bad things were either happening or going to happen this year at Hogwarts, and the elf had wanted Haru's word that he'd stay away. In the end, Haru promised to do his best to stay far away from danger, but he omitted the word "Hogwarts". The elf seemed satisfied and promptly vanished.

Of course, after Haru's father woke up, he saw fit to lead the family in an "inspiring" sing-along while playing his old guitar. Ichigo had muttered something about cutting the strings off last time, but the people at the music shop must have helped him restring it. They'd do anything for money. After fifteen verses of some song about a dead eagle, Haru was looking for sharp objects with which to kill himself. Even now, pressing the soft pillow against his ears, he was unable to muffle the off-tune hissing of his pet snake in the corner. Apparently Tatsuo found the song rather catchy.

_In a land without a friend_

_Will there be an empty sssssssssky_

_Where the eagle usssssed to fly_

_In the wind?_

"_Shut up, Tatsuo. I'm begging you. Please, just stop."_

The albino cobra merely gave what must have been a grin and began hissing louder. Thankfully, Haru soon lost himself to the world of unconsciousness, dreaming of tennis balls in tea towels and Tatsuo plucking the strings of an evil, man-eating guitar.

**All right! I rather like Tatsuo hissing/singing one of the cheesiest campfire songs in existence. It's a nice touch. Don't you think so, Hermione?**

"**Haru has a snake?"**

**Yeah, it was introduced in Chapter One by Foxgrl9.**

"**Ah. I see."**

**Now, my minions, I have a challenge for you. A certain idea has been plaguing my thoughts for some time now, eating away at the corners of my brain. I want – no, I NEED a step-by-step diagram of Ikkaku Madarame's "lucky dance". The first person to present me with a decent diagram shall earn a special cameo appearance in this fanfic. Yes, I am that desperate. So review, or else you won't get another chapter. *hit over the head by a book* Hermione, I was only joking.**


	9. An alliance of self-preservation

**GOOD MORNING, MINIONS! Well, if it isn't morning where you are, make your own adjustments.**

**Wood: Why am I here again?**

**Because I'm having you do the disclaimer. And I'm also making sure nobody forgets about you. You are a minor character, after all.**

**Wood: Zsugami Alba does not own Bleach or Harry Potter or Indiana Jones or her own quidditch team. She will also hopefully never own the entire planet.**

**What do you mean I won't own the entire planet? I have my future career written down as "World Dominar" on my high school entrance papers. Anyway…on with the story.**

"English"

_"Japanese"_

_'Thoughts'_

Chapter Nine: An alliance of self-preservation

_You walked into the party _

_Like you were walking onto a yacht._

_Your hat strategically placed below one eye_

_Your scarf it was apricot…_

Isshin stood by the bedside of a car-accident victim, plucking the strings of The Guitar.

"I-I'm feeling much better! See? I can lift my arms now!" the poor man cried as he feebly raised his arms two centimeters from the bed.

Haru glanced over, thankful that he had inserted earplugs before his father had finished the intro.

_You had one eye in the mirror_

_As you watched yourself go by…_

Haru's father closed his eyes, giving himself over to the music. This gave the patient a chance to roll off the bed, wiggling for the exit, still wrapped tightly in his bandages – like a mummified worm. It was at this point that Ichigo opened the door to the Kurosaki Clinic. Isshin opened his eyes at the muffled grunting and spotted his fleeing vic patient.

"Ichigo, could you bring him back? I haven't finished his therapy yet."

"I'm not sick," the patient protested.

"He says he's not sick," Ichigo replied, noticing The Guitar and feeling sympathy for the worm mummy.

"Yes he is," insisted Isshin.

"I'm not," protested the injured man.

"He looks pretty good to me," Ichigo offered. The patient shot him a grateful look.

"He's very ill. He'll faint any moment now," Isshin countered.

"I'm getting better," the patient wailed, desperately wiggling a few inches closer to the door.

"No you're not. You'll be stone dead if you exert yourself any further," Isshin warned.

"I can't take him in against his will," Ichigo pointed out. "It's against the law."

"Please, let me go!" begged the patient.

"Oh, don't be such a baby," Isshin scolded.

"I think I'll go for a walk," the patient said, lifting his head up off the floor.

Isshin looked down at the poor man. "You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you can do?" he asked Ichigo.

"I feel happy," the patient tried again.

Isshin gave Ichigo a look, and his eldest son gave in and tapped the bandaged head rather sharply. The patient slumped back to the floor, unconscious.

"Ah, thank you very much, Ichigo."

Ichigo just shook his head, hoisted the patient up, and carried him to the bed. At least the poor fool couldn't hear Isshin's singing while unconscious.

Haru took out the earplugs and asked, "What on earth possessed you to start singing to the patients?"

An excited gleam shone in Isshin's eyes as he turned and dove toward Haru. "Oh, my son!" he cried. His face promptly met Haru's foot. "M mumf mm oo." The foot was retracted and Isshin launched into an explanation.

"You see, I read somewhere that plants grow faster if you sing to them."

"That would explain why our fern has been wilting these past few days," commented Ichigo, thinking of all the family sing-alongs.

"Anyway, I figured if it helped plants grow, it might help bones heal."

"Yeah, 'cause that makes perfect sense," Haru drawled.

"I'll have you know that it's been working very well. I've already discharged three patients ahead of schedule."

"Wait a minute," Ichigo said, looking around. "I thought you had five patients? Where's the last one?"

Isshin faltered for a moment and then said, "Oh, I'm sure he's just in the bathroom. He wouldn't leave without his wallet and other belongings, and I've still got those locked up."

Just then, there was a loud crash coming from the patient lockers, and a man still wearing hospital garments streaked past out into the street, shouting, "I'm free!"

"There goes another one!" they heard Karin shout.

THUD. Drag, drag, drag. This patient was also deposited on a nearby bed, his wallet and personal effects re-confiscated.

The two boys winced. That had to have hurt.

Later that night, Haru heard a knock on his bedroom door. "Can we come in?" Ichigo called out.

"Yeah, come on in."

Ichigo, Karin, and Yuzu entered the small room. The three of them looked at each other before Ichigo decided to take the lead.

"Haru, we have a proposition for you. You help us get rid of The Guitar, and we help you avoid Dad."

Haru raised one eyebrow and looked at his siblings with suspicion. "You're only doing this to get out of the family sing-alongs, aren't you?"

"Can you blame us?" Karin asked. "You scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours."

And thus an alliance was formed.

**Wood: What's so bad about family sing-alongs?**

**Well…it depends on the family. And the songs. Anyway…the winner of last time's challenge was… Flightstar! They were the only one that didn't slack off and just give me a link. Flightstar will be contacted for information regarding his/her cameo. Be sure to check out my ongoing poll! I'm also issuing out a new challenge to name the song and the original artist. Enter and you just might get a cameo.**

**Hermione: Oooo, I know. I know! It's-**

**Dun Dan Duh.**


	10. The Mission

**A/N: Hello there, minions! I'm really, really sorry for not updating sooner; therefore, as an apology, I'll have Maki-Maki give the disclaimer!**

**Maki-Maki: My name is Makizo Arumaki! **

**Just do the disclaimer, already.**

**MM: All right. Zsugami Alba does not own Bleach or Harry Potter or Star Wars. Wait. There's no Star Wars stuff in this chapter. **

**I know, but there was in the last chapter.**

**MM: Then why didn't you mention it at the beginning of that chapter?**

**Who's the author here?**

"English"

_"Japanese"_

_'Thoughts'_

**Chapter 10: **The Mission

The entire family, minus Isshin, was gathered around the table. Ichigo was just about to slam down a large, rolled up sheet of blue paper when suddenly the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it!" Yuzu volunteered, but just at that moment –

"No need," said Rukia. "I let myself in."

Karin glared at her. "Then why'd you bother ringing the doorbell?"

"To let you know I was coming in."

Haru stared at Rukia for a minute. He did not remember meeting this girl before. On top of that, she was wearing a stack of Indiana Jones hats on her head. "Who are you, and what's up with all those hats?"

"She's just a friend from school," Ichigo explained hurriedly.

Rukia smiled at Haru. "I heard about your mission, and I thought I'd help out." She plopped a hat on top of each of their heads and sat down.

Ichigo rolled his eyes and said, "All right, let's get back on topic." He slammed down the paper and unrolled it to reveal blueprints of the house. "Okay, we're here," he said, pointing to the dining room.

"Well, duh," muttered Karin.

"And this is Dad's room up here." He then moved his finger to a rectangular area marked with a skull and crossbones.

"What does that symbol mean?" Rukia asked.

"It means 'enter at your own risk'. Not even the contractors know what's in that room." Ichigo looked each of them in the eye. "We're entering into unknown territory. Everyone proceed with extreme caution."

Everyone looked back with equally serious expressions, nodding in silent agreement, ready to risk even their lives to put an end to the torturous family sing-alongs.

Yuzu was the first to speak. "Let's do this."

They crept up the stairs single file, on tip-toe, until they reached the door. The house was silent except for a staccato humming. "Karin, stop humming the Mission Impossible theme. You'll jinx us," Haru warned.

Ichigo reached out his hand and slowly turned the knob. He began to open the door only to be met with resistance. "Something's blocking the door," he whispered.

"Well, unblock it," Karin hissed.

"Hey, I'm not sticking my hand in there," Ichigo argued.

"Fine. I'll do it." Rukia pushed in between brother and sister and reached around the open door to feel for the offending object. Offending object was right. It was…a dirty sock with Pocky stuck to it. It smelled like durians and strawberry. Not a very pleasant combination. "Huh. I didn't know Pocky came in socks."

The Kurosaki family recoiled in disgust as she waved the sock in front of them.

"Just keep going," Haru urged.

Ichigo tried the door again, but it was still blocked. Rukia again reached her hand around. The group held their breath – out of a sense of self-preservation more than suspense, but she only brought out a medical journal. They all breathed a sigh of relief, and Ichigo tried a third time. The door swung easily and silently inward on its hinges. Ichigo took one step into the room. He stopped suddenly when his bare foot came in contact with something slimy and mushy.

"Oh, gross. I think I found Dad's pudding stash."

"Oh! I forgot!" Rukia whispered. "Everyone turn on your night vision."

"What night vision?" Haru asked.

"Did you think these hats were just for show? There's a button on top of the hat."

Everyone lifted their hands and pushed the button. Green-glowing night vision goggles dropped from the brim. "Cool," Haru said.

"Where did you get these hats, anyway?" Ichigo asked.

"Urahara's, of course."

"At least we didn't have to say anything ridiculous before they activated."

They turned as one to the horrific sight that awaited them. There was no floor. It was just a lumpy mass of garbage and discarded clothing. Wet, smelly towels were wadded up and tossed here and there. Both clean and dirty garments hung limply from the open drawers. The bottom half of the room was in stark contrast to the top half, which was neat and orderly. Pictures of Masaki plastered the walls in a tasteful collage. There were various knick-knacks on the bookcase, scattered amongst the medical journals and paperback novels. There were even his and hers bowling balls and trophies atop the dresser from Ichigo's parents' days in the local league.

Everyone looked down at Ichigo's foot and saw not only pudding, but at least three different types of mold growing in its cup.

"Ulgh," Karin, Rukia, and Yuzu said simultaneously while covering their mouths.

"Nevermind that," said Haru, waving a dismissive hand at the mess. "Don't forget why we're here."

"Right, Haru," Ichigo said, while wiping his foot on what he hoped was not a pair of dirty boxer shorts. You're up next, little brother."

Haru nodded and cautiously approached the bed across the room. Only once stepping on what was fortunately an already deflated whoopie cushion. When he finally reached the king-sized futon, he gently lifted Tatsuo from around his neck.

_Okay, Tatsuo. Make yourself straight and rigid – just like we practiced._

_Of courssssse, Hhhharu._

Isshin was sleeping on his side, facing the door, clutching the neck of his precious guitar. Haru gently eased the guitar from his father's loose grip while threading Tatsuo through from the other end. Just as he finished, Isshin started in his sleep, thwacking the dresser beside the bed with his elbow. The contact jarred the his and hers bowling balls from their precarious position, and the heavy orbs began rolling forward straight toward the group of kids.

Haru turned and mouthed, "RUN!" He sprinted across the room, narrowly missing a pile of used tissues, and managed to pass his friends with the pink and blue bowling balls hot on his heels. The others followed him and quickly closed the door, hoping it would muffle the thumps of the bowling balls hitting the carpeted stairs.

The projectiles came to a sudden stop against the opposite wall, and Haru stopped to catch his breath. "All we're missing," he panted, "is the angry natives." He fanned himself with his hat. "That was close."

Back in the dining room…the group discussed how they were going to dispose of their prize.

"How 'bout we sell it on eBay?" Karin suggested.

"No, that won't work. He'd just purchase it himself and think how lucky he was to find something exactly like the one he lost," Yuzu pointed out.

"Well, we could always take a sledgehammer to it," Haru offered.

Ichigo got a gleam in his eye. "Actually, that gives me an idea. Leave it up to me. It'll be gone by morning."

* * *

Haru couldn't sleep. He still had summer homework to finish. Losing interest in his potions essay, he was gazing absentmindedly out the window when his eyes suddenly focused on something bizarre: Ichigo, in a tattered coat and black hakama, was carrying the guitar and a black katana to the middle of the street. Setting the guitar down, Ichigo walked back a couple of yards and took up a fighting stance. He lifted his sword to the sky and shouted,"Getsugatensho!" The blade came sweeping down, and an arc of black and red energy shot out towards the guitar, narrowly missing two wandering souls. The next instant, there wasn't anything left of the diabolical instrument.

"Are you all right, Flightstar?" one of the wandering souls asked the other, who had been knocked down by the blast.

"Yes, I'm fine, Scaehime-KingofKing's Daughter."

Just what was going on with Ichigo? Haru was determined to find out.

**Dun Dun Duh.**

**MM: He released the Getsugatensho on a helpless guitar?**

**Yeah, it was evil. Anyway…congratulations, Scaehime-KingofKing's Daughter, for winning the contest in the last chapter. You've received a side-by-side cameo with Flightstar. Now, as a special treat for you all, I shall present you with an omaki.**

Back in Isshin's room…

Isshin began lovingly strumming what he believed to be his guitar. Tatsuo was temporarily at a loss for what to do in this situation, but finally settled on hissing, _Ssstrummmm…sssstrummmm… 'Pleasssse hurry, Haru!'_


End file.
